And again

Yesterday was the first day I fasted alone. This year that is. What is wrong with that, you say.

I came in late to the office so when I go back, it would be a matter of minutes before breaking fast. Well, what do you know? Everybody left the office so darn early. They kept saying goodbye and wished me excitedly “Selamat berbuka!” on their way out. Some asked if I planned to eat at the office. Some even instructed me to just go home already. Thanks for the concern, guys! So what could be worse than that, you say.

I thought I had a great plan there. I bought a few delicacies so I could eat them when it was time to break the fasting along my way home. Of course I anticipated the eating-in-the-car-while-driving part. However, what I did not see was, just as the azan was playing on the radio, I recited my prayer in almost (I rephrase, almost) shedding a tear.

Suddenly it felt so hard this time around. I was surprised and laughed at myself for being such a wimp. I got all sensitive not able to break the fasting with Abi when in fact, I really enjoyed dinner with him and my family on Saturday; and his family on Sunday. Maybe I was not that macho anymore (was I ever?). Probably it was one of the effects of getting old.

I hated that feeling. Until I got home. I finished the rest of the food purchased from the canteen at my workplace. I prayed and then watched the Oprah Winfrey Show. Yeah I am that lame, tell me something else.

You know how this program always talks about individuals are beaten down in life but get up to put up a fight for theirs? Well, it was that kind of show last night. And we are talking of people who lost body parts and almost their minds here! They somehow survive and move on with what is left of their lives.

That was when I realized I should not be. Miserable, sad and having all those ungrateful feelings. God has given enough for me. For the both of us for that matter. Weak is for losers and I am not one for sure. Come on, breakdown? Over breaking fast alone?

To my beautiful wonderful husband, you know I love you. As rigid as I may sound, I can take care of myself. You have absolutely nothing to worry about (kiss). If you choose to complete your twenty months of service, bring it on! If I need to wait for you another hundred years, so be it. Whatever that does not kill me, it only makes me stronger.

However, there are two things that I want to ask of you, Abi. This weekend I plan to have these foods on the dinner table. And most importantly, I hope to share them with you (wink). I can hardly wait!